Aggression

Every Friday morning, I take my kids to our local library for Preschool Storytime. It is usually pretty crowded, and since parents are not supposed to sit with the kids on the carpet (so the kids can get some experience in a school-like setting), I just sit in the back with the rest of the moms, dads, and grandparents. Unless I am with a friend, this is usually when I gravitate to mindless activities on my phone...I check email, browse facebook, or play a game. But, this past Friday, my attention was drawn to a little boy and his mother, sitting together at the edge of the carpet. First, I should mention, this is not a typical library storytime. It is a loud, busy time. In fact, the librarian rarely actually reads a book. She tells some stories with felt or magnetics pieces on a board, but mostly she has the kids sing, dance, do fingerplays, and use instruments. It is often quite loud and chaotic, and some kids get upset and cry. On this day, one particular child got really excited from the chaos. He jumped and danced wildly for a few moments with the music, and then returned to his mother. To hit her. He did this repeatedly throughout each song. His mother did not look surprised that this was happening, so I am guessing it was not the first time. She simply moved his hands and tried to re-direct him back to the words of the song or the dance movements, all the while keeping a smile on her face. She was smiling, but it was a tight smile - one that said she was uncomfortable that this was happening in public, and that she did not know what else to do.

This is a common issue for a lot of parents! Young children are often unable to control their impulses, whether due to over-excitement or anger, and it can also be difficult for them to access words in the moment in order to express their feelings. So they use their bodies against you, or against other children. They may hit, kick, push, pinch, or bite. It is our job, as parents, to model and shape appropriate behavior. The earlier you are able to deal with this behavior, the better. (But, don’t worry if your child is older - there is still a lot you can do. Just start with the first steps.)

First - decide how you are going to handle the situation, and then be consistent. At home, at a playdate, in a grocery store, or at the library - your response should be the same. Children will test your limits, and they need consistent responses. Here are some suggestions:

If your child uses her body against you:
Children 1-3 years old:

• This is the time to teach appropriate behavior. Firmly hold her hands/feet away from you. With a firm expression, say something like, “We don’t hit mommy. Hitting hurts!” Redirect her to another activity. Remember to praise her for playing nicely!
• If she continues or escalates, move her to another area to sit until she calms down. Depending on her age and other circumstances, you may want to sit with her or choose to provide a time-out by herself to calm down.

Children 3+ years old:

• Older children should know that this is inappropriate behavior. If you know that your child understands this, firmly say something like, “No Sarah, do not hit me,” and lead her to a time-out (or cool-down, time-away, or whatever you call it in your family). Whatever you call it, everyone needs some space alone to calm down and think. Time-outs can be given even away from home, so don’t be afraid to be consistent no matter where you are. (Look for an upcoming post about time-outs!) Following time-out, talk to your child briefly about why she was in time-out and what she could do differently next time. For instance, you can say, "Sarah, you are in time-out for hitting mommy. We don't hit people. Next time you feel mad, you can say, 'I am mad!' or you can hit a pillow." Keep it short and sweet - you don't want to give too much attention to this behavior, or it may become reinforcing. Just redirect her to another activity, and move on. However, if you catch her using appropriate behavior when she is upset, be sure to give lots of attention!
• If she continues or escalates, respond as you did before (i.e., say no, give time-out), but following the time-out, move her to another area to “get it out” of her system. You can encourage her to kick a ball or the floor, push the wall, or hit the couch. Talk about how it hurts to do these things to people, but that it does not hurt the floor, walls, or furniture.* This may have been a good strategy for the mother and son in the library storytime example above. He was over-stimulated by the environment, and although his mother tried to redirect him to the appropriate behavior (singing and dancing), she did not ever address the inappropriate behavior. Further, she may actually have been reinforcing his hitting by smiling - we can communicate a lot with our facial expressions!

If your child uses her body against other children:
Children 1-3 years old:

• This is the time to teach appropriate behavior. Go to her right away and say something like, “We don’t hit!” Make sure the other child is okay, and redirect your child to do something else. If you saw the trigger for the behavior, such as trouble sharing toys, you can help your child share. Be sure to praise her for playing nicely with her friends.
• If she continues or escalates, move her to another area to sit until she calms down. When she is calm, you can decide to help her play with the other child again, or you can redirect her to a solo activity for awhile.

Children 3+ years old: 

• Older children should know that this is inappropriate behavior. If you know that your child understands this, say something like, “No Sarah, we do not hit our friends,” and lead her to a time-out. Since you are with others, be sure to avoid embarrassing your child unduly. Following time-out, talk to your child briefly about why she was in time-out and what she could do differently next time. Then, redirect her to another activity or help her to play with the peer again.
• If this behavior happens frequently in certain situations (such as at play dates), talk to your child about the rules prior to entering those situations. Be sure to praise your child for playing nicely with her friends, particularly in situations where she would normally use her body.
• If she continues or escalates, respond as you did before (i.e., say no, give time-out), but following the time-out, move her to another area to “get it out” of her system. You can encourage her to kick a ball or the floor, push the wall, or hit the couch. Talk about how it hurts to do these things to people, but that it does not hurt the floor, walls, or furniture.* If she seems to have it out of her system, you can decide to help her play with the other child again, or you can redirect her to a solo activity for awhile.

Things to remember:

• Everyone goes through this! All kids have to learn how to deal with their feelings. It is our job to teach them.
• Stay calm and firm, but try not to respond with yelling or hitting. Although you may feel angry or frustrated, we can’t teach kids not to use aggression by using aggression with them. If you need your own time-out to calm down, take it!
• Be consistent! Your child will be confused if you only sometimes provide a consequence for aggression.

If you have tried the above strategies consistently, but still have a significant problem with your child showing aggressive behavior toward you or others, whether as the result of over-stimulation or anger, you may want to consider reaching out to a behavioral professional for more help. Feel free to email me through the "Contact Me" section on the right for more information.

* This is a strategy found in "I Brake for Meltdowns" by Michelle Nicholasen and Barbara O'Neal. I highly recommend this book and often reference it and utilize their strategies!